An orehouse brawl

This is a short, silly, completely cooked-up play in five scenes. Find out what never happened between Yeddyurappa and the Reddys

They’re all smiling. Yeddyurappa is calling the Reddys his brothers. The Reddys are calling Sushma Swaraj (or Swaraz, as they would say) their mother. There’s a lot of family sentiment going around in the BJP. Yesterday’s daggers-drawn enemies are today holding hands and cooing. Is this for real?

Okay, okay... we know you’re dying to know what happened behind the scenes. Which is why we took the trouble to spin this outrageously untrue yarn about what history will remember as the Battle of the Orehouse.

Scene I

Yeddy: We are all working for the betterment of the state, and the crisis is over. Our party elders have blessed us. (Waves a victory sign to TV crews).

Jana Reddy (Watching Yeddy on TV): Over! Look at him waving his fingers in the air. If he needs to go to the loo, must he tell the whole world?

Sriramulu: Anna, atla kaadu. He is giving the V sign… V ante Vekaiah Naidu, or maybe vegetable pulao, vankai pulsu... that’s what they are serving at their camp. No non-veg, like at our Goa and Hyderabad resorts.

Jana Reddy (Flying into a rage): Vegetable pulao! Sushma Swarazji is giving him the bulao, and he is talking about pulao?

Scene II

Jana Reddy (addressing MLAs at the Hyderabad resort): All comfortable? Here, have more Scotch. It makes you feel better… you must be so upset about all those people dying in your constituencies.

MLA Renukacharya: Yes, yes, thank you. I’m very good at nursing drinks, as you know. I’m even better at nursing nurses, if you know what I mean. Pssst… (Winks and shows a picture of his nurse-girlfriend).

Jana Reddy: Okay, guys. Have a good time. The spa is particularly good, and you should try the Thai massage here.

Snoozing MLA (perking up): What did you say, anna? Thigh…

Jana Reddy: See, as I said, you can have as much fun as you want here. Eat, drink, go on cruises, take massages… but try sneaking out of here, and you will find your thigh broken. Hushaar!

Karunakara Reddy (giving a report about what is happening in Goa): This Asnotikar guy, the MLA we got on to our side… he’s a good guy. His men are very obedient. He’s not as naughty as that Renuka, thank God!

Jana Reddy (sarcastically): They are such conscientious, hardworking legislators. They take notes wherever they go…

Karunakara Reddy: Manchidi! Do you give them pens and note pads at the resort?

Jana Reddy: Not those notes, dumbo. The crisp ones… the ones with Gandhiji’s picture on them!


Scene III

Rajnath Singh: No one is asking for a change in leadership. Someone is misleading you.

Reporter: Sir, what about the Reddys? They want Jagadish Shettar as their chief minister…

Rajnath (to himself): What Shettar? If they go on like this, it’s going to be shutters for the party.

Reporter: Huh? You said something sir?

Rajnath: No, no, this is all just a little bit of entertainment. After all, what’s Karnataka without some nataka, he he…


Scene IV

Yeddyurappa (standing in front of reporters): We have betrayed our people. God will not forgive me for giving up an honest officer and an honest minister. They want Shobha out.

Delhi reporter: Shobha who? Shobha De?

Karnataka reporter: No, stupid. Poor thing, this just isn’t a Shobha day.

Yeddy: God will not forgive me for giving in to the Reddys (starts weeping)…

Reporter with leftist leanings: Calm down, sir. It’s better than giving in to the cheddies…


Scene V

Sushma Swaraj: We are all one big happy family. The crisis is over.

Jana Reddy: Sushma Swarazji is our mother. Taayi…. (Falls at her feet). She will never do anything against her children’s interests. She is mine, she is mine, she is mine…

Reporter: Sir, we know this is all about mines. All these days, you wanted Yeddyurappa sacked. What will happen to him now?

Jana Reddy: No, he is our honourable chief minister. (In Health Minister Sriramulu’s ear) As for his dishonourable ways, we know what to do, don’t we?

Reporter: This is all about mining? About Yeddyurappa’s toll on ore lorries? Are you upset you can’t loot the forests?

Jana Reddy: No, no, how could you say such a thing? This is a noble battle. This is our freedom struggle. Swaraz is our birthright. Come on, let’s all clasp hands and dance… Swaraz is our birthright… Swaraaz is our birthright.

Yeddy and party colleagues (sing along): Swaraaaz is our birthright. Swaraaaz is our birthright. Come on, friends, join us…

Reporters: Swaraaaz is our birthright. Swaraaaaaz is our birthright…

Bystander: What’s this? Why are they all dancing to Reddys’ tunes? Is this the Reddy corridor or what?

(All exit singing and dancing)