S R Ramakrishna's Blog

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Perverse face of Bangalore

MiD DAY reported yesterday how more pedestrians are killed in Bangalore than in any other Indian city.

And last night, I was among scores of pedestrians trying unsuccessfully to cross over from Koshy’s to the other side of St Mark’s Road. Escaping getting knocked down isn't easy. It happens all the time, and not just in ‘commercial’ areas.

How did this city, once considered a pensioners’ (and by extension pedestrians’) paradise, turn into a gruesome pedestrian killing zone? And why are our footpaths disappearing?

There’s money in widening roads, that’s why. Who profits? The contractor who widens the road. The corporators and ministers and other VIPs the contractor pays off. And the vehicle user, who was pushed into buying her vehicle possibly because she was too scared to walk.

It doesn't take an expert to tell us this city's policy makers are boorish, insensitive, and anti-pedestrian. But citizens are still grateful to Traffic Engineers and Safety Trainers, a voluntary forum, for collecting statistics to show that 42 of 100 victims of fatal road accidents in Bangalore are pedestrians.

The corresponding figures are 31 for Delhi and 24 for Mumbai. Kolkata, it seems, is the safest city for pedestrians, with just 11 of 100 road accident victims being pedestrians.

Many romanticise Bangalore, but it is a perverse city in many ways.

Here's why. Some years ago, when they built bus shelters in Bangalore, they made sure they had no benches. And then they also made sure no one sat on the bus stand wall by tapering its top into a sharp, upturned V. Only a sadist genius could have thought up such an idea.

Another example. Sudha Murty of Infosys nobly helped build public toilets, and they worked well for some time. But today, they keep strict office hours, and close sharply at 6 pm. And many have no water! Forget about electricity.

I could go on, but you know as well as I do what happens when they start a Metro project, or decide to build a flyover or underpass. They make it worse than it should be. They dig up a road, don't even out what remains of it, and watch with evil glee as thousands of motorists and pedestrians suffer through the hurdles.

Nobel laureate V S Naipaul describes Bangalore as a city without footpaths. But he doesn’t know why it is so. Here’s why: our corporators and ministers, and their friends in the contract and real estate business, are perverse. Not because they pocket our money – they do that everywhere in India – but because they take pleasure in our misery. They’re not just rascals, they're sick in the mind.

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

An orehouse brawl

This is a short, silly, completely cooked-up play in five scenes. Find out what never happened between Yeddyurappa and the Reddys

They’re all smiling. Yeddyurappa is calling the Reddys his brothers. The Reddys are calling Sushma Swaraj (or Swaraz, as they would say) their mother. There’s a lot of family sentiment going around in the BJP. Yesterday’s daggers-drawn enemies are today holding hands and cooing. Is this for real?

Okay, okay... we know you’re dying to know what happened behind the scenes. Which is why we took the trouble to spin this outrageously untrue yarn about what history will remember as the Battle of the Orehouse.

Scene I

Yeddy: We are all working for the betterment of the state, and the crisis is over. Our party elders have blessed us. (Waves a victory sign to TV crews).

Jana Reddy (Watching Yeddy on TV): Over! Look at him waving his fingers in the air. If he needs to go to the loo, must he tell the whole world?

Sriramulu: Anna, atla kaadu. He is giving the V sign… V ante Vekaiah Naidu, or maybe vegetable pulao, vankai pulsu... that’s what they are serving at their camp. No non-veg, like at our Goa and Hyderabad resorts.

Jana Reddy (Flying into a rage): Vegetable pulao! Sushma Swarazji is giving him the bulao, and he is talking about pulao?

Scene II

Jana Reddy (addressing MLAs at the Hyderabad resort): All comfortable? Here, have more Scotch. It makes you feel better… you must be so upset about all those people dying in your constituencies.

MLA Renukacharya: Yes, yes, thank you. I’m very good at nursing drinks, as you know. I’m even better at nursing nurses, if you know what I mean. Pssst… (Winks and shows a picture of his nurse-girlfriend).

Jana Reddy: Okay, guys. Have a good time. The spa is particularly good, and you should try the Thai massage here.

Snoozing MLA (perking up): What did you say, anna? Thigh…

Jana Reddy: See, as I said, you can have as much fun as you want here. Eat, drink, go on cruises, take massages… but try sneaking out of here, and you will find your thigh broken. Hushaar!

Karunakara Reddy (giving a report about what is happening in Goa): This Asnotikar guy, the MLA we got on to our side… he’s a good guy. His men are very obedient. He’s not as naughty as that Renuka, thank God!

Jana Reddy (sarcastically): They are such conscientious, hardworking legislators. They take notes wherever they go…

Karunakara Reddy: Manchidi! Do you give them pens and note pads at the resort?

Jana Reddy: Not those notes, dumbo. The crisp ones… the ones with Gandhiji’s picture on them!


Scene III

Rajnath Singh: No one is asking for a change in leadership. Someone is misleading you.

Reporter: Sir, what about the Reddys? They want Jagadish Shettar as their chief minister…

Rajnath (to himself): What Shettar? If they go on like this, it’s going to be shutters for the party.

Reporter: Huh? You said something sir?

Rajnath: No, no, this is all just a little bit of entertainment. After all, what’s Karnataka without some nataka, he he…


Scene IV


Yeddyurappa (standing in front of reporters): We have betrayed our people. God will not forgive me for giving up an honest officer and an honest minister. They want Shobha out.

Delhi reporter: Shobha who? Shobha De?

Karnataka reporter: No, stupid. Poor thing, this just isn’t a Shobha day.

Yeddy: God will not forgive me for giving in to the Reddys (starts weeping)…

Reporter with leftist leanings: Calm down, sir. It’s better than giving in to the cheddies…


Scene V


Sushma Swaraj: We are all one big happy family. The crisis is over.

Jana Reddy: Sushma Swarazji is our mother. Taayi…. (Falls at her feet). She will never do anything against her children’s interests. She is mine, she is mine, she is mine…

Reporter: Sir, we know this is all about mines. All these days, you wanted Yeddyurappa sacked. What will happen to him now?

Jana Reddy: No, he is our honourable chief minister. (In Health Minister Sriramulu’s ear) As for his dishonourable ways, we know what to do, don’t we?

Reporter: This is all about mining? About Yeddyurappa’s toll on ore lorries? Are you upset you can’t loot the forests?

Jana Reddy: No, no, how could you say such a thing? This is a noble battle. This is our freedom struggle. Swaraz is our birthright. Come on, let’s all clasp hands and dance… Swaraz is our birthright… Swaraaz is our birthright.

Yeddy and party colleagues (sing along): Swaraaaz is our birthright. Swaraaaz is our birthright. Come on, friends, join us…

Reporters: Swaraaaz is our birthright. Swaraaaaaz is our birthright…

Bystander: What’s this? Why are they all dancing to Reddys’ tunes? Is this the Reddy corridor or what?

(All exit singing and dancing)